Enough. Love ya. But I love me more.

14 05 2010

Have you EVER, seen a post from me that’s not seeing the brighter side? Even when I’m in the worst stress of my life (you unplug your mom from the ventilator, find some goodness in there somehow, and THEN come talk to me about how you handled it), I really do everything I can to find what it is that makes this moment real. Because that’s all we’ve got. Moments. (And THANK YOU yoga, I could not have survived this past year otherwise. Big green hearts and lotsa love—)

First, let me preface by admitting full on up front: I know I’m in a s#!t-a$$ mood today. And I’m sure I’ll have dreams about losing teeth later, because I’m questioning whether I’m playing fast & loose with my words here. But you know what, This Is Me today. It’s real. And I have sat on it long enough (far longer than I care to admit) to make sure it’s really what I’m thinking, and not some quirk of transient mood state. Because this has nothing to do with one day’s mood– unfortunately, it’s broader and longer than that.

Are you one of those smart folks that know exactly what to say, at the minute you need to say it? If we’re all bantering, sure. I guess I am. But I’m never on the lookout for meanness. It simply doesn’t occur to me– just not wired that way. So when someone’s getting little digs in, it stops me in my tracks, cold. I stand bewildered, blink a few times, and then carry on. Because surely that didn’t just happen. I mean why would it? I’m a Truster. 

My horoscope today:

There’s a huge difference between being nice and being kind. Usually, being nice involves saying ‘yes’ to too much stuff that you don’t actually want to do in order to get people to like you. Being kind, on the other hand, usually involves thinking independently and long-term, and saying ‘no’ to things when you know they’re just going to be more trouble for everyone in the future. You need to make the distinction soon.

I tend to purposely read a horoscope somewhere around mid-day, rather than at the very beginning.

And terribly apropos. Because I’ve been stewing in “it” (not the same as soaking!), going over every last bit– let’s see:

  • Am I over reacting? (No.)
  • Is it just directed at me or at everyone. (Not just me. Others have quietly come to me all freaked out by the same behavior directed at them. But I’m the current favorite target, esp lately. And it’s currently the Elephant In The Room. But that’s a post for another day.)
  • Do I deserve snark? (No.)
  • Am I an a$$ and am equally unaware of my impact on others? (I don’t think so. I’m sure I have my blind spots, but living your best life, and all it’s wonderful struggles that come with it, should never be a personal affront to anyone. I want you to live Your Best Life. And share your journey! That’s my definition of friend. But that’s ALSO a post for another day, isn’t it?)
  • Is their behavior a reflection on me? (No.)
  • Is it stemming from jealousy on their part? (Likely)
  • Or am I just saying that to make myself feel better? (Thinking… Um, No. Still NO. Definitive no.) 
  • Does everyone else see it too? (Yes. But because I don’t make a big deal about it on purpose to keep the peace, they see it, then look to me for reaction, and see me Letting It Go.)

It was like this at a point in the past, and I damn near bailed then. Shame on me for not trusting my gut. Shame on me for looking (and digging, and searching) for the good behind the ick TOO long. Shame on me for not recognizing a bully when I see one. Again. I’ll take that shame. I’d rather be an open-hearted me, than an in-the-dark them.

I do think it’s totally unconscious. I send nothing but love their direction, but that doesn’t mean I have to stick around and be a punching bag waiting for their own self-awareness to kick in either. The 80/20 applies here. 80% of your X, comes from 20% of your Y. Whether that’s 80% of your income from 20% of your efforts, or 80% of your heartburn from 20% of your friends/customers/family/whatever, either way. As for mine, for now it’s Penalty Box time. I guess I’m finally quietly reducing that 20% causing the 80% of my heartburn. Slowly. Slowly. Right? (Another nod to my yogi’s out there.)

Besides, it’s the kindest thing I can do.